My I.D. isn't welcome there anymore...

I made my way to the liquor store last night as I had to bring wine to a meeting at church (we Catholics like our wine). I got up to pay and pulled out my credit card and license. The cashier took my credit card and proceeded to slide it through the machine. I picked up my license to hand to her and she flipped my credit card over and asked, "Did you want me to check your signature? Because I usually don't unless it's written 'see I.D.'". I laughed and said, "No, I was hoping you'd check my license for my age. I've always been checked before! Oh god, I'm officially not young anymore!"

When was the last time you were carded?

A random thought

This one comes courtesy of our almost six year old, Cate:

"Momma? Another reason why I have to eat my boogers is because they're kinda tasty even though they're not supposed to be."

Hello...have we met?

I have caught wind from some of my blog followers that some of my posts have been causing concern and are downright depressing. And, by now, I think you have discovered that I live a mostly transparent life (there are a few things I choose to keep private). I say what's on my mind in the most passive-aggressive way possible--through writing. I hope that you can appreciate my candid manner and take it for what it is; for I consider you my friends.

Case in point:

I've been recently diagnosed with an interesting disorder called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)--it's a super-sized version of PMS. So if you've read some of my posts and / or encountered me in the past year and walked away thinking, "damn, that woman must be having PMS", you're almost right. I started to take note of a mood cycle, along with other symptoms, that evolved throughout the month every month for about a year. Don't worry, I am not going to go on a gynecological journey with you--that is one line I will not pass. First I thought my issues were dealing with my significant weight loss, work uncertainty, increased involvement at church or my daughter starting school. But it was bigger than that. I finally accepted I needed help when I couldn't even write my first and last name on a work form without practically hyper-ventilating.

So I willed myself to go to the doctor on my birthday of all days. My doctor is a sweet thing...fresh out of her residency and eager to just listen. I laid out my symptoms and she diagnosed me as having PMDD. I have had the distinct pleasure of experiencing most of the symptoms on the list:

• Mood swings
• Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
• Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
• Tension and anxiety
• Irritability
• Decreased interest in usual activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Change in appetite
• Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
• Sleep problems
• Physical problems, such as bloating

I haven't had issues with marked anger, change in appetite or sleep problems. However, I had so much difficulty concentrating that I thought I was losing my hearing. I did take a audiology appointment and passed with flying colors.

One of the treatments for PMDD is to prescribe an anti-depressant. Wow. She passed me the written prescription and told me to fill it when the cyclical symptoms show up. It suddenly became surreal to me for a moment--I'm depressed. We talked some more and I inquired about seeing a counselor, which she gladly gave me a referral.

When I told my mom of my new diagnosis, I think I made her uncomfortable. Her general response was, "Well, you should continue to exercise. I understand exercise can help you feel better."

When I told my husband and asked him not to tell anyone in his family, he obliged me. I told a couple of close friends because they had noticed something wasn't quite right about me and expressed concern.

I didn't want to tell any more people than necessary at the time because I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed because my life is quite simple and burden free. I think of my friends who moved cross-country, ended up living with family and can't sell their house in this economy. I think of my aunt who has pancreatic cancer. I think of my friend who hates her job, works crazy hours, isn't happy with where she is at this point in her life. I think of my other friend who went through hell and back trying to conceive a child on her own. I think of family and friends who lost pregnancies, lost jobs or whatever curveball life pitched them.

Those are real problems.

For me to be unable to handle life in general was very difficult to accept.

While I was not pleased with the notion of being on medication, I could only hang on for two weeks before the wave of symptoms came and hit me hard. I had that prescription filled in mid-November.

I did have one therapy appointment. In preparation for the appointment, I had to complete a form noting my mental health history. As I was checking the boxes, Kyle apparently did a double take. He said, "for a second there, I thought you had checked that you have had thought about suicide!" Thankfully, I am not and have not gone that far into a hole.

The mental health therapy appointment didn't go particularly well. I have to admit, I didn't know what to expect, but from my perspective during the appointment, the therapist seem very disinterested in my issues. At the end, she gave me her card while telling me that I seemed to be an intelligent person who is in general control of things and that I didn't need therapy... I interpreted that as: "Get your shit together and buck up." Needless to say, I left a bit disappointed.

I continue to take my medication and I feel much better. For the most part, I feel back to the old me. I chose to be on medication to ensure that I can function normally in my relationships with others--family, friends, co-workers--because they are so valuable to me and my problems were causing issues with most of my relationships and job performance. My intention is to eventually get off medication, but I am okay with the fact that I need it for now. I still have some shit to get together, but at least I'm more rational about things and can function day-to-day.

So there.

Rough Day at Work

My company conducted a workforce reduction today. As with every other company trying to remain competitive, profitable and sustainable, it was an inevitable step.

This is the fourth workforce reduction in twenty months. Another 11% of the workforce is gone this time around; a total of 27% of the workforce is gone compared to the prior year.

More friends and acquaintances are gone--just like that.

I still have my job. My team still have their jobs, for which I am very thankful.

Every time this has happened, the day starts out eerily quiet, whether we know it's coming or not. This time, I knew it was coming. Not everyone did, though.

Here's how it goes: HR comes over to the person and quietly says, "can I speak to you in this office?" A five minute conversation goes on behind a closed door. Shortly thereafter, the person emerges with drooped shoulders, head down, perhaps red-eyed. He or she quietly return to their desk where moving boxes have mysteriously shown up. It doesn't take long. The cube mates nearby talk in hushed voices, wondering whether they should approach the most recent victim of the process. Finally, a brave soul goes over and confirms the obvious. Hugs, more tears. They have been told they should leave the building as soon as reasonably possible. Oh, and it's not personal (in so many words...).

It's all over in a couple of hours. Then for those who are still left with their jobs intact, the quiet is replaced with guilt. Guilt that they were the lucky ones to still have a job and that they had to say good-bye. If they said anything at all. Guilt because they were stacking up the pros and cons, creating "what-if" scenarios in their head and the selfish sentiments of "better her than me." Guilt because they may be thinking, "that could've/should've been me."

It's no good. No good at all. But that's business. It's about right-sizing our company to run as efficiently as possible to drive sales. "Today was a very dark day in the company's history", said our COO of the company this afternoon. And he slept terribly these past couple of nights. "It was a difficult, difficult decision." He feels our pain. But it was doing greater good for the greater number of people--our shareholders. Our stock has gone from $0.28 /share a week ago to $0.54 /share at close of today, so I guess that's good for them. Oh yeah, we also learned today there will be a company-wide wage freeze and the company 401K match is suspended for FY2009. Did I tell you that it's all about business? It's buying more time to ride out this current economic shit hole we're currently in. I certainly hope we have enough cash...

And we still don't have an answer on where the board is leaning on the strategic alternatives review currently being wrapped up. I guess we'll know by January 31.

When is it all going to stop?