Hello...have we met?

I have caught wind from some of my blog followers that some of my posts have been causing concern and are downright depressing. And, by now, I think you have discovered that I live a mostly transparent life (there are a few things I choose to keep private). I say what's on my mind in the most passive-aggressive way possible--through writing. I hope that you can appreciate my candid manner and take it for what it is; for I consider you my friends.

Case in point:

I've been recently diagnosed with an interesting disorder called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD)--it's a super-sized version of PMS. So if you've read some of my posts and / or encountered me in the past year and walked away thinking, "damn, that woman must be having PMS", you're almost right. I started to take note of a mood cycle, along with other symptoms, that evolved throughout the month every month for about a year. Don't worry, I am not going to go on a gynecological journey with you--that is one line I will not pass. First I thought my issues were dealing with my significant weight loss, work uncertainty, increased involvement at church or my daughter starting school. But it was bigger than that. I finally accepted I needed help when I couldn't even write my first and last name on a work form without practically hyper-ventilating.

So I willed myself to go to the doctor on my birthday of all days. My doctor is a sweet thing...fresh out of her residency and eager to just listen. I laid out my symptoms and she diagnosed me as having PMDD. I have had the distinct pleasure of experiencing most of the symptoms on the list:

• Mood swings
• Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
• Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
• Tension and anxiety
• Irritability
• Decreased interest in usual activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Change in appetite
• Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
• Sleep problems
• Physical problems, such as bloating

I haven't had issues with marked anger, change in appetite or sleep problems. However, I had so much difficulty concentrating that I thought I was losing my hearing. I did take a audiology appointment and passed with flying colors.

One of the treatments for PMDD is to prescribe an anti-depressant. Wow. She passed me the written prescription and told me to fill it when the cyclical symptoms show up. It suddenly became surreal to me for a moment--I'm depressed. We talked some more and I inquired about seeing a counselor, which she gladly gave me a referral.

When I told my mom of my new diagnosis, I think I made her uncomfortable. Her general response was, "Well, you should continue to exercise. I understand exercise can help you feel better."

When I told my husband and asked him not to tell anyone in his family, he obliged me. I told a couple of close friends because they had noticed something wasn't quite right about me and expressed concern.

I didn't want to tell any more people than necessary at the time because I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed because my life is quite simple and burden free. I think of my friends who moved cross-country, ended up living with family and can't sell their house in this economy. I think of my aunt who has pancreatic cancer. I think of my friend who hates her job, works crazy hours, isn't happy with where she is at this point in her life. I think of my other friend who went through hell and back trying to conceive a child on her own. I think of family and friends who lost pregnancies, lost jobs or whatever curveball life pitched them.

Those are real problems.

For me to be unable to handle life in general was very difficult to accept.

While I was not pleased with the notion of being on medication, I could only hang on for two weeks before the wave of symptoms came and hit me hard. I had that prescription filled in mid-November.

I did have one therapy appointment. In preparation for the appointment, I had to complete a form noting my mental health history. As I was checking the boxes, Kyle apparently did a double take. He said, "for a second there, I thought you had checked that you have had thought about suicide!" Thankfully, I am not and have not gone that far into a hole.

The mental health therapy appointment didn't go particularly well. I have to admit, I didn't know what to expect, but from my perspective during the appointment, the therapist seem very disinterested in my issues. At the end, she gave me her card while telling me that I seemed to be an intelligent person who is in general control of things and that I didn't need therapy... I interpreted that as: "Get your shit together and buck up." Needless to say, I left a bit disappointed.

I continue to take my medication and I feel much better. For the most part, I feel back to the old me. I chose to be on medication to ensure that I can function normally in my relationships with others--family, friends, co-workers--because they are so valuable to me and my problems were causing issues with most of my relationships and job performance. My intention is to eventually get off medication, but I am okay with the fact that I need it for now. I still have some shit to get together, but at least I'm more rational about things and can function day-to-day.

So there.

Madam Secretary

Well, I am slo-o-wly starting to follow in my Mom's footsteps at church. While I will never be able to give of my time and talent to the extent that she has over the many years, I am answering the call to do what I can.

Last year, I decided to attend the Visitation Council of Catholic Women (VCCW) monthly meetings as they finally moved from a weekday to a weeknight with the hopes that younger women of the parish might get more involved in their activities. The VCCW is the mover and shaker of most of the social and fund-raising initiatives within the parish (think guilds/circles, rummage sale, Christmas Bazaar, pie sales) and financially support mostly aesthetic / ambiance maintenance needs (think carpeting, new A/C, etc). My initial reason for attending the meetings was to become more aware of all the things these good ladies do for our parish.

Last year, the board lacked a President and Vice President so my mom presided over the meetings and everything was decided on by committee. The acting secretary was the last standing president and some monthly meetings were extended due to the need to repeat what was previously stated so all could hear and the details were properly noted. Let me tell you I was, and still am, by far, BY FAR the youngest meeting goer.

This year is the same set-up with one exception.

After attending and observing a few meetings, it occurred to me that I should be more than just an attendee. So at some point last year I told my mom if no one objected, I would be happy to take on the duties of secretary. She was so pleased and the acting secretary was more so. I think my attendance was pretty good with missing only one meeting, so I think I can continue on with such a responsibility.

This evening was the first meeting of the new fiscal year. I arrived ten minutes early and pulled out my laptop. All the ladies ooh'd. It was cute. But with my recording of the meeting, we cut our meeting time by, I kid you not, thirty minutes. I only had to stop once and ask a lady to repeat what she said. Additionally, the minutes are pretty much wrapped up and ready to print and deliver over to Mom's house on Thursday. What fun!

I told Kyle he now has to address me as Madam Secretary. He laughed...rather robustly at that statement. Not sure what that was all about...

We've been busy!

Friday night, July 25: Dance like you've never danced before
I got together with my girlfriend Shayna to see her husband's band, Series 5, and we danced all night long. I highly promote seeing this band. This photo was taken at the end of a very long night of dancing. Not drinking. Just dancing.

Saturday, July 26th: Downtown and a walk to the Lake
Kyle had to get a haircut downtown, so we all went. The kids had a snack while we waited, then we all enjoyed lunch and a bit of shopping at Macy's. Cool stuffed animals in the children's department.

yummy cookie

Is that a rat in Cate's hands?

After dinner, we went down to the lake to check out the ducks and walk on the dock...

Kyle giving Max a hand at the dock

Sunday, July 27th: Iverson Baby Baptism and a Visit with the Colemans
Sunday was a Godparents' extravaganza. The newest member of the Iverson clan, our nephew Howard Michael Iverson, was baptized at Mass. Kyle and I, along with oldest nephew Jack, are the honored Godparents. A luncheon was hosted by my parents at church.

Only my mother would arrange the meat so perfectly...

cousin Charlie and Max

Cate and cousin Nick

I can't resist holding a baby

Later on, I bopped over to Da and Nonna (Patrick and Donna) Coleman's house for a short visit and welcomed Cate, Elizabeth, Robert and Colleen Coleman as they begin a new adventure by moving from VA to live in MN. It was good to see all of them and we look forward to more fun in the future.

my goddaughter Colleen with her Pa (great-grandpa)

Time with family and friends, what could be better?

"Shut Up!" Part II

So, my audience of one, would you like to know what happened after Cate uttered those two words to Grandma?

Cate walked in the back door into the kitchen, where I was making dinner. Her head was bowed down and when I asked her how her day was, she replied: "I don't want to talk about it." She knew I knew already.

At the dinner table, I brought it up again telling her that we needed to talk about it. I explained that when the time was right, she could tell me she was ready to talk. That was agreeable to her.

I was washing dishes when she approached me and said, "I'm ready to talk about it now."

So we sat down on the sofa and she said she told Grandma to shut up, "because I didn't like what she was saying to me! She was telling me I still had to take naps after I told her then when I am five, I don't have to take naps anymore." So we talked about what the real story is about taking naps--when she is five and a half and in school, she will not have to take naps any longer. Unless, of course, she was acting like she needed a nap. Plus, whatever Grandma says she has to do, then she needs to be obedient to Grandma. She told me she was sorry and I told her that she needed to say, "I'm sorry" to Grandma the next time she saw her. I also told her I was proud of her for telling me what happened and that I hope she can tell me anything she needs to and I won't be angry with her.

Boy, it would be nice if that last bit sunk in with her. Because I am sure the teenage years are going to be a real adventure with this girl.

"Shut Up!"

Cate, who will be five years' old next month, hates taking naps. What kid at that age likes taking naps? We have been dragging it out as long as possible.

A little backstory: The kids' week is mixed between the two sets of grandparents' homes while we work. We know we're blessed to have such a wonderful opportunity to have family willing to watch our kids in lieu of sending them to traditional daycare or having one of us stay at home. It has so many more advantages than disadvantages, but some inconsistencies between the daycare experiences happen. One of which is the opinion of "to nap or not to nap."

We were in the car this weekend going from point A to point B, when Cate asked whether she could watch a movie. I responded there was not going to be a movie that day because she needed to take a nap before the party that evening. She exclaimed how she didn't want to take a nap. My reply to her was that, when she goes to kindergarten (which is this fall), she will no longer have to take naps, but until then, she will still have to take a nap. Needless to say, she was not happy. And, in my defense, after some resistence, she still ended up taking a two-hour sleeping nap.

Here's what happened today...my mother called me at work to tell me about a special new phrase my daughter dared to say. Apparently, they were on the way home from Tiny Tots and Cate explained to my mom, "Momma says when I turn five, I don't have to take naps anymore." To which my mom responded, "Well, that might be at your house, but at my house, you will still take a nap if I think you need one." Cate protested and Mom must've come back with something Cate really didn't want to hear, so what did the little girl say to my mom?: "SHUT UP!" A phrase she has never uttered before.

Mom was so shocked that she stopped the car in the middle of the street. She looked back at Cate and said, "Don't you ever, EVER say that to me again! I will tell you mom what you just said to me." Cate pleaded, "No! don't tell my momma!" Cate looked mournful the rest of the way home.

I guess Cate and I will have an interesting follow-up conversation tonight...